Pai.  I’m sat on the back of a mini bus van, on a three hour trip of around 700 hilly, bends, returning back to Chaing Mai. I just had the most amazing birthday and three magical days in Pai.

Last time I was in Thailand, two years ago, people almost whispered about this small town Pai in North Thailand, that is up in the mountains, like it was a magical place that they wanted to keep a secret.  Now, having been there myself, I can see why. 

It was touch and go that I even managed to make the bus to Pai, as after arriving in Chaing Mai I felt exhausted from travelling and was suddenly struck down by sickness overnight. The morning I was supposed to leave I was hoying my guts out and shaking. Not the best condition to be in, for a journey that is supposed to make the healthiest of people throw up, due to treacherous driving and sharp turns. The aim of the game as usual in Asia when travelling by bus is not to shit yourself or throw up and be charged a million baht or something to that effect.

I decided to brave the bus and popped a zoppy to sleep the whole journey.*

*A zoppy is otherwise known as a zoppoclone and is a lovely, yet illegal sleeping pill. I love to pop a zoppy on a long flight.

I wake up and it’s 3.30pm. Made it. My lovely Canadian girl friend Sophie from my Cambodian trip was there to greet me as I stumbled off the bus, still in a zombified, zoppied up state. But at least I didn’t throw up. I had booked an incredible hotel with pool and a unicorn float (for the instagram pictures) so life wasn’t all bad. It was a wonderful decision. 

In the swimming pool, whilst floating dreamily on my unicorn and complaining  to my girl how I hadn’t heard anything from my American sausage, a dark, handsome, guy dives in from his pool side room. Well hello there. 

He swims up to the pool edge and starts chatting to us, he’s not shy. His brown thick hair is slicked back from the water and beneath thick eyebrows, his eyes are a startling green that sometimes have a brown tinge to them. They are hypnotic. He is sporting a wonderfully tidy beard and flashes a grin baring exquisite white teeth. He is very attractive. He is also if you hadn’t picked this up – a white man. Turns out he’s a former male model from Amsterdam. He’s quit the modelling game and started an office job and gained a few pounds, he later tells me the next day. Yes, he’s not exactly got a six pack right now but I notice his broad shoulders and strong arms and his hearty Dutch laugh which I could listen to all day. We invite him and his friend to dinner but I am still feeling sick and had to stay in bed. We are already chatting on whatsap and he offers to bring me supplies should I need them. 

Chris Rock once said that every time a man is nice to you he is simply, offering dick. “How about a drink” – is usually a code for “How about some dick?” I think this might be the case and though I’m not sure,  my instinct is that he’s interested. He commented on how my whatsap profile picture is good and has been “approved.” Ha I don’t need your approval but I might take up your kind offer of dick, I thought to myself. He sends me a message at 1am reiterating how he would like to catch up the next day.

Meanwhile, my American sausage is dead to me. He got home and blocked me on whatsap for no reason whatsoever.  What a wanker. He clearly has a girlfriend or something back home. Oh well, plenty more where he came from. Onwards and upwards. 

The next day is my birthday, and feeling more like a human being, me and Sophie, the two Dutch guys, and reunited with Nathaniel, (Canadian Napoleon) are all biking to see some caves. The Dutch guys have rented out really large motorbikes from Bangkok and are biking across Thailand. It’s Mr Dutch’s childhood dream fulfilled. I jump on the back of his bike extremely ungracefully, and my friend on the back of his mates. We zoom off, and he squeezes my leg to reassure me, before telling me how powerful it is. I laugh on the inside wondering if he’s referring to the bike or his dick. When we are out onto the quieter mountain road he pulls my hand tighter around his waist and speeds up, showing me exactly what the bike can do. To be honest I can barely see, as the wind is in my eyes and my helmet is blown back, slightly strangling me. But once I’m used to the speed it’s an incredible rush. Unfortunately their bikes are far more powerful than the bike Nathaniel rented so it’s difficult for us to keep together and we have to keep slowing down to wait for him. Nathaniel is aware the guys want to go faster so tells us to go ahead, he will meet us there.

Given the go ahead, the boys zoom off and it’s the fastest bike journey I’ve ever had. The views of green jungle and woodland in shades of greens, browns and red are incredible, with light streaming through tall trees and jungle bushes, and mountains in the distance forming sweeping silhouettes. We are both in awe of the view and he comments so smoothly how it’s great to share the moment with me. If it’s a line it’s totally working. Having got lost for over an hour, we eventually find the caves and Nathaniel is nowhere to be seen, probably already been and gone. The four of us explore the caves, and I love the raft ride down the river in the dark, feeding giant fish and hearing bats flying above us. The only light is from an old fashioned lantern that our thai guide has brought so it’s extremely dark and atmospheric. The four of us crack jokes and it’s a great afternoon. I think I have seen enough caves now for a lifetime on this trip to Asia. The guide points out rocks that are in the shape of frogs, or Buddha, or a crocodile that I swear they have just cut to look like that. What amuses me more is I continue to notice the rocks that are shaped like penises. Everywhere I have been on this trip I seem to see rocks shaped like a penis, even outside of caves.  Perhaps I have a problem? Dick on the brain? My Dutch man laughs at my remark and points out one that looks like an anus. Uh oh. If I have dick on the brain I hope he doesn’t have bum sex on the brain. That’s one way traffic my friend.

Back at the hotel the four of us jump in the pool, drinking copious amounts of vodka and start to get lit. We all take it in turns to play our imaginary butler Nigel*

*The butler from American Pie – “Nigel, bring out the brie.”

I float on the unicorn in the pool, tipsy and relaxed, in the darkness, as night has arrived and he swims out to hang with me, leaning on the unicorn. We talk about past relationships and his modelling career and how extremely superficial it was. He rubs my thigh gently whilst he talks, perhaps assessing if it’s welcome. It’s certainly welcome. We all take group selfies in the pool and he puts his arm around my waist resting his hand near my butt. I am a bit smashed, and so is my girl so we shower quickly and all go to dinner.  There are no bars open due to a Buddhist religious holiday (god dammit) and after failing to purchase more vodka in the seven eleven, even after bribe attempts, we head back. We did manage to buy a few beers from two drunk Thai girls who obviously aren’t observing Buddha today either. Thank god. 

In the guys room with the other two sat outside on the balcony, Mr Dutch and I sit on the edge of the bed. He looks at me, smiles and leans in to kiss me gently on the lips. I kiss him back and he tastes delicious. My entire body is turned on. We lie on the bed staring into each other’s eyes and gentle kissing becomes more urgent, with lots of tongue.  The other two might be able to hear us making out so we keep looking up at the doorway as he gently traces my leg with his hand, before stroking my breasts. I move his hand further up my dress leaving it clasping my bum. He is loving his life right now. The kissing is amazing. At this point we are both gagging for it. His hand goes further up my dress and reaches my knickers, he strokes me and my underwear is soaking. I want to fuck him so bad. But Sophie has the room key so he shouts in Dutch to his friend and the key sails through the doorway. We leave quickly and quietly.

In my room I lie on the bed and slowly untie my dress as he watches me. He undresses hastily and he sits on top of me pushing his hard dick against my pussy through his boxers. I am so wet and so turned on. He pulls my knickers aside and pushes into me and he says over and over again how much he loves my body and how hot I am. He jumps off me, grins and pulls me into the shower, where we fuck in several different positions. The sex is really good. I love the noise he makes when he finally cums as I ride him on the bathroom floor. 

What a wonderful, perfect day and birthday. If I wrote him a thank you note it would read:

“Thank you for your gift of dick. It was much appreciated. And very well received.” 

I smile as I remember him stating that this will not be the last time he fucks me. I certainly hope not. Amsterdam is far closer than America to visit after all,  isn’t it?