I didn’t shit my pants thankfully. Winning at life. So far so good. I’m writing this on a nice 7 hour bus journey, after a night out in Siem Reap, involving several buckets and couple of tequila shots so I probably shouldn’t hold my breath. I feel dogger.
I shouldn’t complain as we made it to Cambodia. We had a lovely 6.30 am start (I’m being sarcastic of course) and a private bus to take us into the border, stopping at the consulate to fill in visa forms along the way. We passed the border with no hitches and finally arrived at our hotel (with tiny pool) around 4pm in the afternoon. The air can only be described as muggy here and it hasn’t been that sunny the last couple of days. I’m still as pale as fuck. At this rate, people are going to to think I told a tall tale and my Asia trip was all an elaborate scam and really just a day trip to Scarborough.
The hotel was basic but clean but very much lacking in a lift and consistent wifi. After a quick dip in the pool (no one would swim with me – perhaps they know something I don’t,) we went for dinner at a local school restaurant sponsored by our tour group. Tuks Tuks arrived to transport us and it was one of the scariest rides of my life. I’m probably exaggerating but the four of us had to hang on to our dear lives as our driver hurtled over uneven ground in the pitch black, down remote streets. It was like a scary fun house ride. Out of nowhere some creature dropped out of a tree and plopped onto my right shoulder. The horror. I calmly brushed it off in a lady like manner and kept it to myself. Many Lols. That’s what I should have done. What I actually did was scream at the top of my lungs “a frog is on me” brushing it off frantically. I’m not actually sure it was a frog but it was definitely some sort of slimy amphibian though I’m no expert. You can’t make up this shit. This stuff only happens to me. The other three girls are howling with laughter – it’s at least a great ice breaker and a fellow Londoner remarked dryly that she was glad I didn’t overreact. 

The first course was some dried beetroot crisps and some tasty looking deep fried crickets. I chickened out of trying it. Perhaps I’m going to get extremely thin if all the food was like this. The curry was however delicious, though one of my fellow travellers exclaimed afterwards that it smelt like vagina – and he didn’t like it. He said this to four women. Boy he is not going to get laid anytime soon with an attitude like that. 

Day 2: So this is what a 4.45 am start feels like. Nasty. Me and my compadres are on the road again for a short drive to Angkor Wat to watch the legendary sunrise followed by the Tomb raider temple. Angelina Jolie has brought a lot tourism to Cambodia – they have even have billboards of Brad’s face. And a KFC. No McDonalds so far though. Surprising as in Thailand you can’t swing a cat without Bumping into Ronald. By the time we get there loads of tourists are already camped at the front of the pool of water to take a prime picture. The dark starts to dissipate and I am poised with my iphone 6s ready for the grand unveiling. It starts to get lighter and a couple of people at the front get up and leave. I asked the lovely Canadian girl what time the sun was meant to be coming up and she said its already up it’s just too cloudy. I missed it. well I didn’t we just couldn’t see it. How underwhelming – we got up at 4 am for that? I had to ask the guide to air drop me his good picture so I can pretend to everyone at home we actually saw the pink sunrise. What a joke. 

On our way to the bus to go to the tomb raider temple we realised that we had lost  Nathaniel. Our team name was steam rice. team rice – get it? So our Cambodian guide laughed and said we have lost a grain. Our group leader looked absolutely furious and went off to look for him. She’s only little but I think you wouldn’t want to mess with her. At this point I should probably tell you a bit more about Nathaniel. I couldn’t make him up, he’s so eccentric. A 20 something year old soil expert, who makes his own maple syrup, loves trees (he named all the types of plants and fruit trees as we are driving) and keeps all his money in his shoe. He’s the one who’s adverse to the smell of a vagina.  I’m delighted to tell you that Ishelle eventually found him and he came back as a quiet as a naughty little boy who got caught shitting in the bath. 
In the afternoon some of us went quad biking through the country side. All of us were in shorts and trainers and Nathaniel turned up with full protective gear head to toe, scarf and goggles. (every word of this is true) He was still the slowest of all us. Never drive a quad bike and take pictures at the same time – I of course did but luckily managed to get some shots and stay on the bike and not drive in to a ditch. Seeing the Cambodian villages, children playing and waving at us passing by and water buffalo along the way was really amazing and well worth it, and the biking itself was really fun. It was extremely muddy though as it had been raining but as our wise Cambodian leader said “no wet no fun😉
A couple of hours later and I know I’m way past tipsy as I start to lean over tweeking my bum, to some pop music, that had been awfully remixed to dance music in one of Siem reaps many bars. I feel like I’m 18 again and already rocking some glow in the dark body paint and initiated the group in drinking buckets. The quiet, sweet Swedish girls on the trip have come out of their shells and shown their wild sides with their crazy shuffling,  (it’s always the the quiet ones) and I’m starting to think one of the Germans is pretty hot – German Sausage for a midnight snack anyone? Only in a place like Asia whilst you are off your tits would you buy your tuk tuk driver (who is about to drive you home) a Long Island iced tea from a drinks cart in the street,while you wait for others to get pizza and then seat 5 people in a four person tuk tuk (me on the German’s lap of course- oi oi!) Awesome. The German is a 26 year old blonde haired blue eyed Clark Kent (sexy glasses) with a prankster sense of humour, big arms and golden complexion who wrestles in his spare time and designs the machine the makes the morning after pill. He would be a handy man to have around right? Apparently his package his promising – I’ve yet to see, but my roomie accidently walked in on him taking a slash. Perhaps I will let him to teach me how to wrestle. With his penis?