I’m in a hammock. In the San blas islands, just off the coast of panama. There is no wifi and no signal. It’s beautiful and really peaceful. I feel like I’m on the set of shiprecked.

Two nights of peace and natural beauty. Getting here was hilarious and ridiculous. Me and the two girls I’m now travelling with, got absolutely soaking wet (and not in the sexual sense) on a small boat here. The water was hammering in over the sides of the boat and spraying us constantly in the face. Lord knows I’ve got nothing against a spraying but just not in my eyes please. I sit with my eyelids tightly shut and sunglasses on, resembling what the girls describe as “Stevie Wonder on a day trip.”

Since I’ve travelled with these two it’s been nothing but comedy moments. But let’s get up to speed shall we. Having joined up with my group trip in Antigua in Guatemala a few weeks earlier, we departed into Honduras, just for a day, and I can barely remember what I saw there. Oops. El Salvador was next on the itinerary for six days. El Salvador was really cute, lots of pretty towns, and we visited a resort on a black beach which was super pretty.

Xmas day kind of sucked as we were were flying into Costa Rica, and I’m not doing that again that’s for sure! I think my meals on Xmas day consisted of a hungover subway and a panini and cake in a coffee shop in Monteverde. Monteverde was awesome, we got to visit the cloud forest, and drove ATV’s through the jungle and went zip lining through the forest which was super scary but amazing. In La fortuna we got to search out sloths, and stayed with a local family in a homestay. I finally got to see a toucan just in a neighbour’s back-garden.

We ended the trip in San Jose on New Year’s Eve which is defo not my favourite place, in fact if you can skip it do. A lot of fun on the group trip but sadly no sausage was enjoyed.

One of my new friends decided to continue travelling with me and so we took the bus pretty hungover on New Year’s Day with a takeaway McDonald’s in hand, to Manuel Antonio – catching up with my Aussies and eating the best sushi I’ve had in Central America. Our hostel was right on the beach and the beach is beautiful. The national park beach is pretty spectacular too, although I didn’t particularly enjoy seeing a large boa constrictor as we were walking through the forest at the end of the day.

Getting to our next destination in Puerto Viejo on the Carribean coast was a complete mission – but after a 12 hour day we finally arrived, meeting a lovely and hilarious English girl on the bus (and a pretty cute guy from Saudi Arabia) and our basically perfect collective female travel trio was formed.

Puerto veijo is amazing, full of carribean men, beautiful beaches and great restaurants. It has great nightlife. Perhaps the sausage drought would finally be up. The first night despite our tiredness we decided to go out. Go hard or go home is the phrase that comes to mind. Drinking in our selina hostel we are reunited with my Aussie girls and befriend some Canadian guys who sit and drink with us until we are merry enough to leave the hostel. The Canadian guys have some coca ( not the cola kind) so we all do a line and head into town. The first I’ve had in Central America (not sure how I’ve not had any since now.) I love my life immediately in the first bar, as the music here is all dancehall. In the nightclub we get chatting to some large Carribean men who sell us some coca for the bargain price of 100 dollars. I think we were robbed. In Colombia its meant to only cost no more than 10 dollars. However, I’m absolutely off my tits and after a few hours start dancing with our Costa Rican drug dealer. He looks cuter as the night goes on. When the club closes we pile into his car and he drives us to the next bar. He’s probably out of his mind so that might not be the wisest decision. Oops. A few hours later and even more off my tits I’m sat at the bus stop outside the club with Mr Dealer. We have what at the time I believe to be a very deep and interesting conversation (this may have been the coke) and in my current state of mind decide I quite fancy him. He leans in to kiss me and I let him. He tastes good. I decide after a few minutes that I want to get laid so tell the girls I’m going to leave with him. The girls insist on coming back with me (good girls) to make sure I’m safe. So for the second time we all pile into the car and he drives us to a house. I say a house rather than his house as when we enter the house it’s quite bare apart from sheets in the bedrooms and the bathroom has no toilet paper or running water. He has to turn it on. All a bit odd. That doesn’t deter me though as I’m still high. We go into the bedroom, leaving the girls to their own devices. He kisses me and it’s all a bit hazy but feels amazing and we strip off quickly. I’m giving him head and making him moan and then the condom is on and I start to ride him. Sex on cocaine is incredible. Everything is heightened. I’m riding him and the bed is banging against the wall loudly and I’m moaning over and over again. We are both moaning and it feels amazing but neither of us cum. He whips me round to do me from behind and after a while we both collapse on the bed tired. He gets up to go to the bathroom and comes back telling me he needs water, and turns off the bedroom light. I think nothing of it but after a few minutes he hasn’t come back so I get up to see where he is. The girl are in the kitchen, enjoying coca. “He’s left” One of them tell me. “He just left in his pants” says one of the girls. Whatttt? But he’s left his shoes and some of his clothes in the bedroom. This is highly odd. One of the girls starts to get scared. “We should get the fuck out of here” she says. I can’t believe he just left us stranded at a house we don’t know where we are or how to get back. Also my sex is excellent so I’m even more confused. Thank fuck for google maps. I don’t have data but one of the girls does so we proceed to walk home as the sun coming up, in silence for 40 minutes, back to our hostel. This was not my finest decision making.

Note to self. Don’t fuck the dealer in a strange country and if you do you certainly shouldn’t be paying 100 dollars for the coca.