Halong bay in Vietnam. Or Shlong bay as we liked to call it. Wishful thinking perhaps. It is one of the seven natural wonders of the world – or so I’m told.  I’m writing this lying on a sun lounger, with Rachel next to me taking selfies. We are both sporting new fake designer sunglasses that we bought in Hoi An, and look as she terms it ‘so money.’ I’ll take that. It’s a windy day and when the sun is out, the light hits the deep blue-green water, with gold and silver metallic shimmers, and the limestone mountains that make Halong famous, can be seen for miles in various shades, resembling a live water colour painting. It’s simply stunning. It’s day two of our three day cruise. We were fed five courses yesterday for lunch and dinner on the boat -so much that I feel like I have gained half a stone. Aren’t you supposed to lose weight travelling? 

  

In a couple of days I’m meant to be meeting my American for a romantic tryst. We are headed to Bali in rainy season. What to do when it rains in Bali? Lots of activities to be had in the bedroom. The idea of it being rainy season just got a little bit more attractive. 

Yesterday I also managed to get a bikini wax in Hanoi for half the price I pay in the UK. My entire vagina is as smooth as a baby’s bottom for the equivalent of 8 English pounds. Winning. Coupled with bright red shellac on my nails and I’m good to go for valentine’s. I told my American Sausage he should celebrate my birthday with me in Bali. I think the naked picture might have sealed the deal. So hes’s changing his flight as we speak. We are going to get a king bed and as he put it “fuck on every inch of it.” My kind of man. 

Rach and I both got waxes done at the same time, in the same room, separated by a only a curtain from the shoulders down. Our friendship has reached a whole new level. We definitely disturbed an old man on our transfer bus to Halong Bay as Rachel proclaimed loudly that she’s even seen me get my ‘asshole waxed.’ The expression on his face was priceless. We couldn’t stop laughing – this girl is defo my sister from another MR.

We have finally finished the bus tour of Vietnam from south to north in just over two weeks. Following our beach pit stop in paradise we visited a place called Phong Nha, which is where the new King Kong film was recently filmed. Looming limestone mountains, above pretty trickling rivers, and caves where you can get a mud bath in the dark.  The highlight  had to be the zip line into the cave, and the mud bath was the weirdest thing I have ever experienced. It was like floating on chocolate pudding, extremely bouyant, our bodies torpedoed around like bikini clad astronauts in willy wonka’s chocolate lake. However, this town had zero talent in the willy department, it was cold and damp and a bit grey, but the mountains have a wonderfully ominous and brooding feel. 

Equally in Nimh Binh. Absolutely no talent. For me anyway. Nimh Binh is a small town where you can ride boats down a beautiful river, past limestone mountains, through a series of caves. It’s like a Jurassic park ride – the theme tune is still in my head, from singing it all the way round.

We had turned up that morning on the last day of the lunar new year. Schoolboy error! Thanks a lot to our Vietnamese bus guide for absolutely nothing. Thousands of Vietnamese tourists had arrived before us and we had to abandon the idea of joining the queue, which at 8.30 am had already been cordoned off and was going to take till mid afternoon to reopen. I’ve never seen so many Asians in one place. Visiting Asia in the new year time is just not “the one.” Happy New Year my arse. Everything is shut down or overly busy.  I thought to myself  “haven’t they seen this all before, for fucks sake, ” as we had to jump on our tour bus whilst it was still moving, to get out of the crowds alive. Well I exaggerate, but we did jump onto a moving bus. Like in Speed. Minus Keanu. We managed to do a boat trip on a smaller river instead, and had a merry time, apart from Rachel getting ripped off by the floating fruit barge lady. 

Travel tip: Watch out for the fruit women in Vietnam. They aren’t the sweet, innocent ladies they seem. They are ruthless. Touch it, you buy it. (All women should probably have that rule to be fair.)

Our final stop was Hanoi. Home to the magnificent Halong Bay. Waxed and manicured, we felt like brand new women. I always feel powerful after a wax. Especially after two margaritas on an empty stomach. Too many drinks, and an awesome drunken steak later, we are with the rest of our group. Rachel has a guy in her sights, an English guy from our tour group. He bored me to tears talking about his job in property, despite telling him I’d just left the property sector as it was mind numbingly boring! But Rachel was bowled over by his english accent and they were soon as she calls it “making out” on the dance floor of the weird dance club we were at. An extremely tall blonde Swedish/Norwegian/possibly Dutch man (I can’t remember which – it was the jägerbomb’s fault ) offered to buy me a drink. I accepted but he is absolutely not my type. Rachel asked me if she should bring her guy back to the hostel. I said “you can’t do that – there’s other people in the room” looking absolutely aghast at the suggestion.

 I of course did no such thing – but encouraged her to indulge in some sausage adventures. She deserved it. She snook him into our 8 bunk room and took him for a ride on the top bunk. My bunk was underneath theirs and I listened to them making the good love, unable to refrain from touching myself. Well I would have done for sure, had I not passed out fully clothed with my contact lenses still in. What a shame. I love hearing other people have sex. 

Back in Halong bay – I seem to make a nuisance of myself everywhere. My contact lense solution fell out of the window of our sea view cabin this morning, and into the sea. The bottle taunted me by floating around for a while, before gently bobbing further out to open water. I say fell out but I accidentally knocked it off the table. What a silly place to put a table. 

We were boarding our day boat so I insisted our Vietnamese guide help me retrieve it. The boat went round and round in circles trying to get closer. Rachel couldn’t stop laughing. Other passengers started to get restless and commented that I could buy solution in stores over here. Errr have I missed the Boots store floating in the middle of Halong Bay you fools? Finally he managed to pull it out with a big stick and everyone cheered. I am a nightmare. Rachel continued to laugh.

Two nights, three days, and too much late night karaoke later and we are back on dry land. I did get a 10 out of 10 score from the Brazilian Simon Cowel on my boat, for my rendition of Mariah Carey’s Hero.  My anticipated love affair appear’s to be doomed. I haven’t heard from my American on whether he has managed to change his flight. I hope he pull his finger out of his arse and sorts it. The waiting again. We all know how much I love the waiting. As I have to leave Vietnam, (not by force but because I need to get away from the madness of Hanoi) I booked myself a flight to Chaing Mai, in Northern Thailand. I am craving some pad Thai, guaranteed sunshine and less of a dodgy stomach before I go to Bali. Life is tough right now. Ha.

Still hoping for another portion of American sausage.